Published By:
163

The species known as Expertum Social Medium was identified by scientists for the first time in early 2008. Not much is known about the species, other than it doesn’t know much about marketing or ROI. Since being discovered, it’s wreaked havoc on unsuspecting businesses and marketing departments by convincing them that social media holds the answers to all of their marketing woes.

The below Social Media Expert Survival Guide provides you enough tips to survive in case you accidentally find yourself in the presence of this mysterious hominid.

Social Media ExpertThe Survival Guide

1. Expertum Social Medium consume cash. Never carry it on your person, or risk a barrage of slides telling you how social media will make you millions. If an expertum talks you into relinquishing some of your cash, you’ll just make it stronger and more aggressive.

2. Hang mobile-free zone signs, so it doesn’t send tweets or posts on Facebook. This keeps the species weak, and may allow you to escape.

3. Make it think you’re afraid of a geo-social conspiracy involving nefarious groups and Foursquare, so it doesn’t check-in anywhere if the two of you are on the move. This will confuse the species. Hopefully, it’ll be confused long enough for you to get to a safe place.

4. Never, under any circumstances, use the acronym R.O.I. around the expertum. This can trigger a violent physical reaction that can be dangerous to your emotional and physical health.

5. Mention constantly to the expertum that you have severe photophobia, which will discourage it from snapping any pictures to post online. Over time, the lack of picture taking causes the species to suffer from a crippling facial tic. That’s your queue to get out of Dodge.

6. DO NOT give the expertum your wireless password! This is almost as bad as giving it your cash. This will exponentially increase the strength of the expertum, while sucking up all of your bandwidth.

7. If you can convince or physically force it to wear big, bulky mittens, this may render the expertum’s fingers and thumbs useless. Without knowing what to do with its smartphone or tablet, its head will explode, allowing you to make a safe exit.

8. Simply nod your head when the expertum uses acronyms you’ve never heard before. These acronyms usually represent made-up valueless metrics, or some weird social media purity test. Don’t stop nodding once you start. Field research suggests that headnodding lulls the species to sleep.

9. Do not ask about or mention the expertum’s credentials, unless you’re ready for a one-hour verbal rope-a-dope on its “experience.” Once the rope-a-dope begins, there’s little hope for escape.

10. Don’t worry; the Expertum Social Medium won’t eat your cat. For years, scientists believed felines were its main source of sustenance, due to the overwhelming amount of cat hair stuck to its clothes and the countless LOLCAT photos on its computer desktop. The species is highly sensitive about this. So, for your safety, avoid mentioning it.

Hopefully, you never find yourself face to face with a member of the species known as Expertum Social Medium. However, if you do, your chances of survival will be greatly improved armed with the above survival guide.

According to the most recent research, we won’t have to defend ourselves from this creature much longer. They’re predicting a short lifespan for the species due to its inevitable evolutionary displacement by The Inbounder species.

For help driving real ROI with social media, download Increasing Conversions with Social Media.

 

revcontent-98%-of-sites-get-denied-are-you-in-the-2%
163

Sponsored Resources

Want more resources

View all Resources




Most Read

Contributors

Our publication contributors combine decades of experience with unique insights into the content promotion and distribution industry.
Chad Pollitt Partner, VP of Audience Native Advertising Institute
Pam Didner Global Content Marketing Strategist & Author
Chirag Ahuja Head of Marketing WorkflowMax
Jayson DeMers Founder & CEO AudienceBloom
Erik Deckers Professional Writer Pro Blog Service
Bernie Borges CEO Find and Convert
Jessica Stephenson VP Marketing ExactHire
Michael Ferrari Marketing Consultant Pen Cap Online Marketing
Larry Alton Freelance Writer and Editor
David Tile Founder & Director Nimble Media
Jay Baer Marketing Strategist, Speaker and Author
Kelsey Libert Marketing VP & Partner Frac.tl
Dan Steiner Co-Founder & CEO Elite Legal Marketing
Joydeep Bhattacharya Relevance Contributor SEOsandwitch.com
Jonah Bliss Founder CMO ContentIntent
Andrea Lehr Promotions Supervisor Fractl
Fernando Labastida Co-Founder Content Propulsion
Dan Moyle Creative Dir. Marketing AmeriFirst
Dennis Yu Chief Technology Officer BlitzMetrics
Arnaud Roy VP Marketing Augure
John Rugh Copywriter/Content Marketing Specialist
Gini Dietrich CEO Arment Dietrich
Justin Spicer Content Researcher, Producer & Editor
Michael Becker Marketing Support Spec. Teradata
Anna Johansson Freelance Writer
Amanda DiSilvestro Content Editor and Writer HigherVisibility
Sujay Maheshwari Founder & CEO Netcurate.com
Kelly Coulter Online Marketing Strategist
Taylor Radey Senior Consultant PR 20/20
Rodger Johnson Public Relations Leader & Consultant
Simon Penson Founder & Managing Dir. Zazzle Media
Danielle Wolter Nolan Co-Owner
Jason Falls Social Media & Public Relations Thought Leader
Joe Beccalori CEO Interact Marketing
Fernando Cuscuela Founder & CEO Everypost
Kelly Smith Content Manager CourseFinder
John McTigue EVP Kuno Creative
Yogita Arora Content Strategist Zoomph
Jordan Teicher Associate Editor Contently
Jonathan Crowl Digital Marketing Writer & Editor
Brian Honigman Marketing Consultant, Writer & Professional Speaker Skyword
Katherine Halek Content Strategist Signazon.com
Amanda Drinker Dooley Community Product Marketing Manager Netline
Anton Rius Digital Marketing Consultant More Than Metrics
Matthew Zajechowski Outreach Manager Digital Third Coast
Kevin Bailey Co-founder DigitalRelevance
Peter Chen Digital Marketing Consultant DigitalRelevance
Luana Spinetti Multi-Specialized Freelancer
Kyle Harper Writer Skyword
Elad Natanson Founder appnext
Maël Roth Content & Inbound Marketer Park7
Quin Woodward Pu Marketing Director Audienti
Greg Shuey Co-Founder Stryde
Douglas Karr Founder & CEO MarTech.zone & DK New Media
Jean Bansemer CEO My Web Writers
Owen Andrew Journalist
Luke Kintigh Global Content & Media Strategist Intel
Dan Fahrner Director of Marketing Services SmallBox
Asaf Rothem Marketing VP & Partner BrightInfo
Jonha Richman User Acquisition Manager

In case you missed

Read more of the latest news and insights from thought leaders in content promotion and distribution.

Subscribe


Get the latest content promotion news and insights everyday.

Champion Sponsor

Relevance is proud to present our Champion Sponsor that helps make our site possible.

Cision Logo

© 2017 Relevance | Content Promotion News & Insights

Connect with RELEVANCE

Thank you for subscribing Your subscription has been confirmed.